I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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