brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
