i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
