i just wanna soil my oats bro
My underwear smells like fireworks.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
