I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
