So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
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