i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
