so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
