and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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