I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
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Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
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I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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