false alarm. still invincible.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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