I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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