Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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