Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I love having hate sex.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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