HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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