Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
