I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
