I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
