ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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