A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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