you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
