Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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