My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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