So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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