I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
