The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
