Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
