I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
