At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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