i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
