Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
two words: eviction party
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
