so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
