guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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