LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
