Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
