and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
