Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
