I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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