my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
