I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
