I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
