Capitaan dildo arrescate!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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