I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
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Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
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He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.