i was born a porn star she said
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza