You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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