take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize