She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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