I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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