Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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