it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
