i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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