I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
