i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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