I never want to see another naked old woman again.
false alarm. still invincible.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
