Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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