I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
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right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
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You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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