Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
