Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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