im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
