I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I want to fling myself into the sun
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
