this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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